With a lot of help from Zadok, I finally got the apple textured in Blender!
Texturing is so hard in Blender! In Cybermotion, I just select a texture, set it to wrap around the apple like it was a sphere and have it be projected from above, and voila! But that's not even possible in Blender! No, Blender needs strange unwrapped UV maps that you need to make out of a top and bottom photo of the apple and then you get this messed up map of UV faces blablablabla... *rants*